A Konoha Christmas
by demonrubberducky
Summary: Written for the twelve Christmas theme challenge at the KakaIru lj community. Iruka tries to spread Christmas spirit, Kakashi is never going to look at eggnog the same way, and Santa Clause may or may not be Satan. Confused? Just read it.
1. 1 Santa Clause is coming to town

Theme #20: Santa

Written for Kairukashi's Christmas theme challenge on the KakaIru Livejournal community.

Because I've always been vaguely terrified of Santa.

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Being an orphan, Iruka knew quite well the importance of family. He craved the warmth of familial ties, and hated it when others took their loved ones for granted. This being understood, it was not surprising that Iruka became the spokesperson for Christmas in Konoha, even though it had previously been a little celebrated holiday in the village. As the holiday season approached, he was even willing to take time out from his regular lesson plans to teach his students a little about the meaning of Christmas.

"So, you're saying this Sanpa guy sneaks into people's houses at night and nobody wakes up?" Young Naruto asked in disbelief when Iruka explained about the jolly old elf.

"It's Santa, and yes. That's what he does." Iruka confirmed.

"We've got to stop him! Is he powerful?" Naruto asked. Iruka sighed, and wondered why this was the only time the kyuubi boy would pay any attention in his class.

"We don't need to stop him, Naruto. He sneaks in to leave presents for the good girls and boys in the houses."

"Why would he do that?" Little Sasuke asked, doubting the motives of this suspiciously generous saint.

"And what if the kids in the house HAVEN'T been good?" Kiba asked nervously.

"He does it because he likes helping other people. If the children haven't been good, he leaves coal. Now, if anyone else has a question, please raise your hand and wait to be called on." Iruka tried to restore order in his classroom.

Sakura raised her hand from her desk in the front row. "How does he know, Iruka-sensei?" She asked when she was called on.

"Yeah, how would some fat guy know if we've been good or not?" Naruto echoed.

"Why does he get to decide?" Kiba growled.

"Has he been watching us?" Choji wondered aloud.

"Maybe he's some sort of pervert." The usually silent Shino added. The class gasped.

"No, no! He's not a pervert! He…arg! Here, why don't you listen to some Christmas songs? Maybe they can do a better job explaining this than I can." Iruka switched on a tape player and a Christmas song began to play.

_"Oh, you better watch out, you better not cry,_

_You better not pout, I'm telling you why,_

_Santa Clause is coming to town!_

_He's making a list, checking it twice,_

_Gonna find out who's naughty or nice, _

_Santa Clause is coming to town!_

_He sees you when you're sleeping,_

_He knows when you're awake, _

_He knows if you've been bad or good,_

_So be good for goodness sake,_

_Santa Clause is coming to town!"_

The children were silent for a moment, and Iruka thought he'd finally gotten through to them. Then a wail arose from the middle row, and all at once, his classroom of seven year olds was sobbing.

"He's coming for us!" Ino screamed amidst her tears.

"Santa's a stalker!" Sasuke cried.

"He's watching us, always watching!" Hinata whined, searching wildly for the elusive enemy with her pale eyes.

Iruka tried desperately to calm his frightened class, but the sobs prevailed. The noise was so loud that even Shikamaru woke up, looked at the name 'Santa' written up on the board, and mumbled something about it having the same letters as 'Satan'.

"It's a sign!" Naruto screeched. "We have to defeat this Sanpa guy, or we're all DOOMED!"

Iruka sat back down at his desk and began hitting his forehead against it. Only five days left till Christmas, and it looked like his students were going to organize an assassination of Kris Kringle himself.

The bell rang and the terrified students left, still looking around suspiciously to see if they could catch a glimpse of this 'Santa' and his agents of evil.

MERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMAS

Four days later, as midnight approached on Christmas Eve, Iruka was about to head home from his late shift in the Mission Room. Hey, the downside to the village not celebrating Christmas on a wide scale was that they only got the day of the Holiday off of work, instead of the whole week.

The chuunin gathered up his papers and headed out the door, but was stopped by a gaggle of semi-drunk jounin, whose philosophy on celebration seemed to be 'get drunk and have a good time'. They each took a turn grasping his hand and shaking it sporadically.

"We wanted to congratulate you, Iruka-sensei." Genma said, swaying, but still remarkably composed.

"You've done something none of us have ever even hoped to achieve." Asuma chortled, giving Iruka a pat on the back that nearly sent the poor chuunin flying.

"What did I do?" Iruka asked, honestly confused, but not really expecting a coherent answer from the drunken jounin.

"You instilled terror into the hearts of every Academy student in your year. Amazing. We've been trying to rattle them for months now, but it seemed like nothing would scare them." Raido revealed with a smirk.

"We salute your youthfffful gen…genius!!!" Gai slurred.

Iruka shook his head and pried his hand free of the jounin who was shaking it furiously. "I really have to be going now." He said tartly.

The final jounin in the group, a slender, silver-haired man with a dark mask, walked right up to the retreating chuunin and seized his recently liberated hand.

"Iruka-sensei, is it? It's nice to meet you." And thus, on that fateful Christmas Eve, as all the western children in various time zones slept and dreamt of dancing sugar plums (curious, since they do not and have never danced…), and as all the students in Iruka's Academy class huddled in their beds, clutching toy kunai and shuriken and shaking their tired heads to stay awake in order to ward off the evil Santa and his minions when they attacked, Umino Iruka and Hatake Kakashi met for the first time.

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AN: You know what? I may go on and actually do twelve themes. You see, I get ideas for fictions when I brainstorm when I'm half asleep, and I only got about three hours of sleep last night, so when I read the list of themes, a bunch of little ficlets wrote themselves in my head. Screw studying for exams! I won't be doing them in the specified order, though, as I kinda have the stories loosely connected, and want to keep them in chronological order.


	2. 2 The Warmth of the Season

Theme 8: Warmth

This takes place one year after 'Santa'; these are going in a loose chronological order tracing Iruka's quest to spread Christmas in Konoha, Kakashi's quest to get into Iruka's pants, and the progression of their relationship.

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Naruto and Iruka walked side by side down the sidewalk three days before Christmas. The chuunin held a steaming pan of macaroni and cheese with two oven-mitted hands, while the kyuubi boy balanced a tin of freshly baked cookies on his head. The tin stayed balanced for a moment, but the hyper boy couldn't stay still for long. Iruka gave a startled cry as the tin slipped from its perch on the blonde's locks, but Naruto caught the cookies and gave his sensei a self-satisfied grin.

"Naruto, I expect you to behave when we're in front of the Hokage. He's been kind enough to invite us to have a Christmas dinner with him and his family, and I want you to repay that kindness by being respectful…for once." Iruka lectured as they neared the Hokage's mansion.

It wasn't the first time that Iruka had eaten with Sandaime, but this was a new experience for Naruto. The Hokage had invited them, along with a few of the other family-less ninja in the village, to dine with him yesterday, which hadn't given Iruka enough time to properly coach his clueless pupil on how he was expected to act. Understandably, the chuunin was a little nervous on behalf of his charge.

They arrived at the mansion and Naruto relieved a little of Iruka's tension by politely offering his tin of cookies to the Hokage's wife, who received them with a kind smile. Iruka carried his macaroni to the kitchen and sat it down next to the other dishes that lined the counter. As he peeled of his oven mitts, Naruto came charging into the kitchen.

"Oh, look at all this food! Can I help?" He asked excitedly. Iruka looked at Mrs. Sarutobi, who shrugged and replied, "I'd love to have you help me."

Iruka was so relieved to see Naruto acting respectfully and another adult in the village treating Naruto as something other than a demon container that he went into the living room and sat down to chat with the other guests without a second thought.

He really should've known something was amiss.

MERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMAS

Kakashi arrived five minutes after everyone else had taken their seats around the table. His entrance interrupted Sandaime's speech about the spirit of Konoha and the importance of strong ties in the village. He greeted everyone with his usual, "Yo." and plopped down in the last empty seat, beside the little blonde boy that reminded him of his old sensei.

"Kakashi, you're late." The Third scolded. "Now, where was I again?" He tried to pick up where his speech had left off, but he couldn't recall the next lines. "Oh, forget it. Everyone, enjoy the warmth of the season, and dig in!"

The orphan shinobi dove on the food like ravenous wolves. Kakashi watched as the chuunin on the other side of the blonde boy had to pull the kids hands back a few times so the kid wouldn't get skewered with a fork in the confusion. Kakashi wisely hung back until the others had their plates piled high. Once they had their full concentration on their own laden plates, Kakashi began to serve himself. The chuunin on the other side of the blonde boy had also waited, he noticed. He was sure he knew him from somewhere…

The blonde boy began to shake a little, and at first Kakashi thought he must be choking on all that food he had shoveled hap hazardously into his mouth. The kid swallowed, though, and the Copy Ninja discovered that the shaking was from suppressed giggles, not food lodged in his esophagus.

Across the table, the other guests also began choking. There was an almost simultaneous lunge forward as everyone dove for their water glasses. The chuunin seated on the other side of the boy looked at the little blonde, then at the other ninja draining their glasses in large gulps.

"NARUTO, WHAT DID YOU DO!!" The chuunin bellowed. Kakashi was impressed with his projection. When he yelled, the whole table shook.

The blonde, Naruto, scampered away from the table and turned to wave a bottle of extra-hot hot sauce at the stunned table. "I put this in the macaroni. How's THAT for 'warmth of the season', Iruka-sensei!"

This Iruka-sensei leapt up from the table and ran after the boy with remarkable speed. Kakashi followed his retreating figure with his eyes. He admired a guy who had spirit.

"NARUTO! You get back here and apologize NOW!" Iruka's voice rumbled from the hall.

The fox-boys cackles echoing in the hall and Iruka-sensei's death threats were the only sounds that broke the silence at the table for a moment. It was Sandaime's wife, a formidable old civilian, that spoke at last.

"I should've known that inviting a whole room full of shinobi over would end in chaos." She muttered to herself.

"COME BACK HERE THIS INSTANT OR SO HELP ME, I'LL CALL SANTA IN HERE TO GET YOU!"

Kakashi chuckled and used the momentary distraction of the other guests to scarf down his food (all but the macaroni) and replace his mask before anyone else noticed. Yes, the village was chaos, but he wouldn't have it any other way.

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Special thanks to** rusigil** for the idea of that last threat.

We all know that a room full of shinobi can only end in mass chaos, broken furniture, and/or multiple arrests.


	3. 3 A Time for Family

Theme 17: Family

Timeline: One day after 'Warmth of the season'

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"Naruto, I expect you to behave this time. None of your antics, understood?"

"But Iruka-sensei, this is going to be boooooring! Why do we have to go?" Naruto whined as Iruka dragged him down the street. It was only two days until Christmas, and Naruto still had bruises from where Iruka had tackled him for messing up the last Christmas event they'd gone to.

Naruto knew why they were going, of course. Iruka was going, and dragging him along, because he was a sucker for Christmas and all the stupid sentiments that went with it. Naruto thought it was stupid. Christmas was a time for families, not for orphans and outcasts. He'd tried telling Iruka this, but the older man had just cryptically responded, "There's more to family than just blood, Naruto." and insisted he comb his hair before they left.

"We have to go because there is going to be delicious, free home-cooked food." Iruka told him, although he wasn't fooling anyone.

"But this is an old lady party. They smell funny and pinch my cheek and tell long, boring stories about their cats. I don't want to go." Naruto said firmly.

"Just because this event is being hosted by the elders' wives doesn't mean it's an 'old ladies party'. And you don't have a choice. You're coming with me. You still owe me for ruining the macaroni I worked so hard on!"

"You bought it already made from the store and you know it, Iruka-sensei!" Naruto accused. Iruka looked stunned for a moment (did he think Naruto hadn't seen the box sitting right there in his trash-can?), before he smiled at Naruto.

"I know it's going to be boring, but we don't have to stay for very long. If we can just hold out for the food…hey, don't laugh! One day you too will be a bachelor, and then you won't scoff at the offer of free food, trust me!" Naruto frowned at his sensei.

"I don't believe you. Whenever an adult says they won't stay long, it takes _forever_." Naruto revealed with his child's wisdom. Iruka smiled fondly at him.

"How about this: we'll think of a secret code word right now, and if it gets too bad and you really want to leave, you'll say it andI'll make out excuses and leave. But, in return, you have to try your hardest to last until we eat. Deal?" Iruka asked. Naruto studied his face for a moment, to make sure he wasn't trying to trick him. Iruka looked just as kind and honest as usual. Naruto grabbed hand and shook it. He nodded shrewdly.

"Deal. And the code word is 'ramen'." He said, settling on his favorite word as his ace in the hole.

"I think maybe we should choose a word that you _don't_ use every ten minutes in normal conversation." Naruto scowled at the accusation, but admitted that the chuunin did have a point.

"Ok. The code word is 'cannon ball'." Naruto declared.

Iruka stared at him for a moment, mouthed the word, 'cannon ball?', then shrugged. "Whatever. Just make sure you don't forget it."

The two walked down the street and stopped at the final door.

'This is for free food!' both of them told themselves, and they set their shoulders and knocked on the door.

MERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMAS

"Oh, don't you have the most _adorable little cheeks_!" the first smelly old woman cooed, pinching Naruto's face and punctuating each word with a sharp tug.

'Ouch, that's attached, lady!' His mind yelled. He stayed quiet, though. 'I'm the future Hokage; I can take this. I can't get Iruka-sensei kicked out of this before he gets his free food.' His resolution made, his will set, Naruto stout-heartedly endured as the lady released his face and the next woman latched on to him.

"Oh, they look like little whiskers. That reminds me, just yesterday, my Mr. Muffins…you remember Mr Muffins, don't you, ladies?" She paused and asked, still grasping half of Naruto's jaw.

"Oh, yes, your simply _gorgeous_ Siamese cat. Oh, what did Mr Muffins do?" The other ladies asked. Naruto stood there bravely and took the abuse as his cheeks were passed from lady to lady and mind-numbingly dull cat stories were exchanged. Inside, he was sobbing.

From across the room, where more old ladies had kidnapped Iruka and were interrogating him on his love life, Naruto's sensei caught his eye. Naruto smiled at him and tried to look like he wasn't as miserable as he was. For all Iruka-sensei put up with for his sake, Naruto could suffer through this.

"Oh, I have something I simply must show all of you!" The woman, who had nearly burst Naruto's eardrum with her squeal, rummaged through her purse and pulled out a scrapbook. "Pictures of my baby grandniece! Isn't she _divine?_" The ladies scooted closer to see the pictures, smashing Naruto between them. He choked on their heavy perfume.

'Must…endure. Going…to be…Hokage.'

Iruka must have sensed Naruto's distress, because he came across the room and pried Naruto out from between the floral print dresses of two oblivious women, who were pulling out their own photo albums.

"Naruto, could you help me move this table and get things set up for the meal?" He asked. He dragged Naruto away from the demon ladies.

"You doing ok?" Iruka whispered. Naruto nodded. He wasn't, but Iruka deserved his dose of Christmas and his free food.

"Who wants to see x-rays of my hip replacement?" One of the older ladies shouted then. The other women nodded their assent.

"Cannon ball! Cannon ball!" Naruto shouted. Iruka nodded, and they shot out of the room.

MERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMAS

"I'm sorry you didn't get your free food." Naruto told Iruka shyly, once they were a safe distance, two blocks, from the party.

"It's ok. I think if they had asked me why I don't have a girl friend _one more time_, I would've snapped." Iruka admitted. They both laughed. Both stomachs growled almost at once.

"So, let's go get something to eat." Iruka proclaimed. "What do we feel like?"

"Ramen!" Naruto volunteered. The misery of the party was forgotten immediately. Naruto's cheek still ached a little from the poking and prodding, but it was nothing Almighty Ramen couldn't heal.

The duo headed to Ichiraku's. The ramen stand was nearly empty. Only the owner was there, cooking like always, and a single ninja slurped up noodles in the corner. Naruto recognized him as the ninja who had been sitting beside him at the Christmas dinner the day before. He watched for a moment to see if he could catch a glimpse of the face beneath the black mask, but the mysterious man kept obstructing his view. Naruto gave up quickly in favor of placing his order.

"I should make _you_ pay for this, you know." Iruka teased as Naruto began listing all the flavors he planned to eat. "Seeing as you're the reason we aren't eating for free."

"Hey, you were miserable too! 'Oh Iruka, you're such a nice boy. It's a shame you don't have a nice girlfriend to go home to. I know, why don't I set you up with my niece?'" Naruto mimicked. Iruka shuddered.

"'Oh, you've grown into such a handsome boy, Naruto.'" Iruka teased back. "'Come here and let me see your face!'" The chuunin grabbed a sore cheek and pulled roughly. They tussled for a moment, until Iruka nearly swiped his bowl off of the counter.

"Come on, we'd better eat before it gets cold." Iruka said finally, letting go of Naruto's face and settling down to slurp up his ramen.

"Ramen gets cold?" Naruto asked incredulously. Iruka laughed.

By the end of the evening, Naruto's stack of empty ramen bowls towered up above his head. Iruka picked up the bill, of course. Naruto knew he would. Iruka-sensei was just nice like that.

As they were walking home together, Naruto got the sense that, even though they were both orphans, all these things Iruka-sensei shared with him, these code words, these funny stories, these playful teases and meals the boy couldn't afford, might just be a little like family.

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Sorry. This fic is partially inspired by my family, whom I blame for being crazy. The x-rays of the hip replacement, that really happened. My aunt whipped out the negatives of her hip during my sister's bridal shower. What can I say? Family: there's nothin' like 'em. Thank god.


	4. 4 Eggnog

Theme 3: Eggnog

Timeline: about an hour after 'Family'

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When Kakashi heard a knock on the door at Anko's Christmas party, he was vaguely surprised that someone had arrived later than himself. He prided himself on being the latest to any event. He had even waited around and eaten a few bowls of ramen at the ramen stand before coming to the little get-together.

When Kakashi saw who it was that was knocking, he was even more intrigued. It was the third time in two days that he'd encountered this Iruka-sensei, and each time he did, the chuunin did something that unintentionally caught his attention.

At the Hokage's dinner, Iruka had flying-tackled his young charge for lacing the mac and cheese with hot sauce. At the ramen stand a day later, he treated the boy and the two had laughed together like brothers, not just student and teacher. Kakashi wasn't a genius ninja for nothing; he could tell there was more to this Iruka character than first met the eye. Maybe it would be worth the effort to befriend him. The chuunin was sure to make an interesting friend.

"Sorry I'm late." Iruka apologized to Anko. "I had to walk Naruto home, and then he wanted me to tell him a story…"

"That brat's got you wrapped around his finger, huh?" Anko commented. Iruka mock-frowned at her before pulling a slip of paper out of his vest pocket.

"I guess if you're going to insult me, there's no point in me giving you a Christmas present. I wonder who else I know would like a gift card for Daisuki's Dango Stand? Hmm…" Iruka said wickedly. Anko dove on him and snatched the card.

"Mine!" She declared, before leaning over and giving the sensei a one-armed hug.

Kakashi stayed in the corner, which served the dual purpose of hiding him from Gai, who wanted to have a caroling contest, and providing him with a good place to brainstorm the best way to approach Iruka-sensei for friendship. Kakashi hadn't made a friend since becoming a jounin at age thirteen, and he was afraid he was kind of rusty. He was sure the process for friendship making was different for adults than it was for teenagers, but he wasn't sure exactly how. He imagined that somewhere up in the sky, Obito, Rin, and Yondaime were laughing their asses off at the sight of the genius clueless as to how to make a friend.

Let's see. There was the Gai approach, where one would simply challenge the other to grueling matches of wit and strength, persisting until finally the challenger grew on the other like a spore-mold. No, Kakashi had had his fill of competitions, and he didn't want to annoy Iruka into friendship.

Then there was the Genma approach, which dictated that all one needed to do was get the two would-be friends drunk together and everything would work itself out. Kakashi might have gone with this method, except for the high frequency of arrests associated with it.

The Anko approach was easy enough: follow the person, declare loudly that you were their friend, and simply ignore any protests that the other might have until the other stops protesting and accepts their fate.

The Asuma approach was by far the manliest, in which the two male friends would communicate only in grunts and never acknowledge that they were more than acquaintances. For the Asuma approach, though, one never really knew if one was friends with another person or not, because there were no visible signs of the friendship; everything was understood, or else assumed. Kakashi didn't see the point of being friends with Iruka if they never did any friendship-y things together.

The Kurenai approach was out of the question, because it involved make-up and flirtation, in an elaborate dance of seducing the recipient of her friendship into approaching her, talking in extended metaphor and innuendo, and finally giving the person a 'let's be friends' speech at the end of the conversation. Kakashi had heard the aftermath of this approach was dragging the newly made friend off on a shopping spree. He'd never had to endure this approach himself, as he had become friends with Kurenai through osmosis when she befriended his buddy Asuma. Kakashi didn't want to shop with Iruka. He just wanted to talk with the man and find out a little more about him.

Kakashi's approach, unused for years, was to act like an arrogant genius and let the kind-hearted people around him do all the befriending work for him. His approach was sort of a lack of approach, and he doubted it would work outside of the setting of his genin team.

The best approach, he decided, would be to observe Iruka, watching for a chance to jump into conversation with him. He would have to take clues from the chuunin on what to do once they started talking, because he really didn't know how one transitioned from 'people talking' to 'friends'.

Kakashi found Iruka at the snack table, nibbling on a candy cane and nodding as Kurenai told him her famous 'Sand Country Bar' story. So, Iruka was a good listener, apparently. Kakashi hoped he was a good talker, too, so that Kakashi wouldn't be expected to fill any awkward silences between them.

Kakashi gathered together his courage and got ready to step forward and make some yet-unknown witty comment about Kurenai's story in order to infiltrate the conversation and steal Iruka's attention. Then, Genma appeared out of nowhere and handed Iruka a mug.

"Iruka, you have to try the eggnog. It's great."

Iruka took a polite sip and coughed.

"Is this spiked?" He asked, curious, and not scandalized like Kakashi had thought he would be. Interesting…

"Of course it is!" Genma chuckled.

Then it happened. As Iruka took a second sip, Genma patted his back. Hard. Iruka choked on the eggnog for a moment, and a little white stream trickled down the side of his mouth.

Kakashi watched, transfixed, as Iruka swallowed the mouthful of eggnog, wiped the dripping liquid off of his face with his fingers, and then licked the droplets off of his hand.

Kakashi swayed and fainted. His final thought before he hit the ground was a realization, 'At least I don't have to figure out how to become Iruka's _friend_.' Then, everything went black.

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Oh, poor Kaka-sensei. There's more to come for him, much more.


	5. 5 Trimming the Tree

Theme 6: Tinsel

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A day after he had fainted at Anko's party, Kakashi was still kicking himself for reacting so strongly. It wasn't like he hadn't seen more erotic things in his life; usually, though, he had a little bit more notice and was able to prepare himself. Those droplets of eggnog and that tongue had come out of nowhere…

As if his mind had summoned him there, Kakashi turned the corner in the Mission room and found the object of his thoughts standing right there. Kakashi froze and stared.

The chuunin hadn't noticed his presence yet; Iruka seemed to be in his own little world. The sensei was draping strands of beads along the branches of a decorated pine tree and humming one of those Christmas songs that had been playing non-stop on the radio for weeks. Kakashi took the opportunity to observe the chuunin a little more closely.

'He's got a nice ass.' The jounin thought to himself. The grin hidden by his mask grew as Iruka bent over to retrieve more decorations out of a cardboard box by his feet. The man straightened back up, a plastic sealed bag in his hands.

Iruka used both hands to rip open the bag. He must have tugged a little too enthusiastically, because the bag ripped clean in half, and suddenly, the air was filled with tiny strands of silvery plastic flying in every direction. The metallic strings fluttered through the air, catching the light and sparkling. The sparkling even managed to distract Kakashi from his Iruka-watching.

There must have been a strong field of static electricity around Iruka, because every strand of the shining plastic seemed to divert from its course to the ground and stick instead to Iruka's lithe frame. Bits of it draped itself along his hair, more clung to his vest and pants. Kakashi thought shiny Iruka was absolutely delicious. 'I'd like to deck your halls.' He said to himself, not really sure where that one had come from.

"Damn tinsel!" Iruka cursed softly, clawing at his hair and brushing at his body to remove the stubborn strings. He turned around to see how the rest of the room had faired in the tinsel storm, and froze when he saw the room's second occupant.

Iruka studied Kakashi's face for a moment, before pronouncing slowly, "You're that jounin that fainted at Anko-chan's party, aren't you?"

Kakashi gave himself another mental kick. "Well, you're that chuunin that had all of his students convinced that Santa Clause was stalking them, right?" He replied defensively, before he could remind himself that he really _should_ be nice to the man he wanted to seduce.

It seemed to be the right response, though, because Iruka chuckled and gave him a sheepish grin. "I'm never gonna live that down, am I? There is a story behind it, if you'd care to know the whole story." He offered.

"I'd love to know the whole story." Kakashi agreed. "Want some help with that?" He asked, as Iruka struggled to get the last of the tinsel out of his hair. Iruka's hands moved away and Kakashi stepped forward. Iruka's hair felt soft against the ungloved tips of his fingers as he carefully extracted the final silvery strands.

Iruka showed Kakashi how to drop the strands over the branches just so, how to space it out so that one side of the tree wouldn't shimmer more than the others, how to place strands strategically under the lights so they would reflect the maximum amount of light. All the while he told his story about his young students and their reaction to his Christmas lesson.

With two people doing the work, the tree decorating was finished in no time.

"Now we just need to put the star on top." Iruka proclaimed. He pulled a chair over to the side of the tree and hopped up on top of it.

"So, do I get to here why you fainted last night?" Iruka asked, still focusing on the top branches of his Christmas tree.

Kakashi was glad Iruka wasn't looking straight at him. "Low blood sugar." He lied. As long as he didn't look Iruka in the eye, the chuunin shouldn't be able to detect his falsehood. Iruka's ass wasn't located anywhere near his eyes. As long as Kakashi stayed focused on that (very easy, now that Iruka's ass hovered conveniently at face height), he was home free.

"Oh? You should have had some of that eggnog. It was very sweet. It would've boosted your blood sugar in no time." Iruka told him. The chuunin leaned forward to slide the star onto the topmost branch. His ass stuck out, ever so inviting.

'It really is a nice ass.' Kakashi thought to himself. A jounin could only take so much temptation.

MERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMASMERRYCHRISTMAS

Just as Iruka finished straightening up the star on the tree, he felt a hand brush against his ass. He jumped and spun around, nearly knocking over the tree in the process. He looked down to find Kakashi standing right there beside him.

"Tinsel." Was all the jounin said by way of explanation. "I should probably go turn in my mission report now." He said. Kakashi left quickly.

Iruka stayed up on the chair until his heart slowed back down to its normal pace. 'I had a piece of tinsel there, that's all. Nothing to be so worked up about.' He scolded himself. 'Kakashi was just being a friend and pulling it off for me, so people wouldn't laugh.'

Iruka packed all of the leftover decorations back into the cardboard box. Something was nagging at him.

How had that tinsel gotten there? The majority of the flying strands had ended up on either the floor, Iruka's head, or along the front of his body. That wasn't the thought that was bothering him, though. A piece could've been clinging to his pony-tail and fallen down as he was decorating. The presence of the tinsel could be reasonably explained.

No, the thing that was bothering him was more of a sight. When Iruka had turned to look at Kakashi, his hands had been empty. Where had the tinsel he had removed disappeared to?

Iruka hefted the box of decorations and carried them out of the room. Even as he walked, he could still feel the ghost of Kakashi's touch removing a piece of tinsel that Iruka was fairly sure hadn't been there in the first place.

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Shiny things are the universal weakness of all jounin. Trust me on this one.

And let me tell you, that tinsel stuff is shiny and pretty, but it clings to friggin' anything! It's a pain to put on, a pain to take off. If it wasn't so shiny, I'd remove myself from it completely. And if Iruka is a little bit anal about how to place the tinsel on the tree correctly, that's because I was basing his actions off of my sister. She's a Christmas tree Nazi, and if I didn't get drafted to help her decorate every year, I'd be more than happy to just carry down the boxes for her and let her have her way with the tree. It'd be a lot safer for me.


	6. 6 Over the Mistletoe

Theme 18: Mistletoe

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Attending his third Christmas party in as many days, Kakashi finally decided on a course of action. Inspiration struck him as he was helping decorate (although 'helping' was a rather misleading word, as he had been forced by Gai to help set up for party for the Beloved Youth of the Hip and Modern Village of Konoha amidst much yelling and sun-setting and Nice Guy poses). And by struck, we do mean literally struck. As he was hauling his third pine tree into the Academy Auditorium, Kakashi's inspiration dislodged itself from the doorframe and landed in his hair.

Kakashi had pulled his inspiration out of his silver locks rather slowly, and lazily asked, "What's this?"

Gai immediately launched into a tear-filled explanation of Christmas tradition, complete with interpretive movement and haiku poetry. Somehow, let us attribute it to his genius status, he was able to simultaneously glean the information he needed while completely ignoring his rival. Yup, Kakashi's just talented like that.

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Tenten squealed when her class was led into the Auditorium for their Christmas party. She ignored the glittering smiles of that crazy man in green spandex who sometimes came to observe their taijutsu classes (he often burst into 'manly tears', which creeped Tenten out more than a little), and focused immediately on the aloof silver-haired man who was tacking up a sprig of green over the back door. Yes!

Tenten had never really thought much of Christmas before. She neither feared Santa like the kids in the class one year down nor worshiped him. She didn't count down the days til the holiday. There was only one Christmas tradition that the young weapon-user really cared about at all. Mistletoe. Even the word seemed magical.

The young girl had heard the other girls in her class whispering about it. Usually she disregarded what they said, because they were weak and whiny and cared about nothing but make-up and boys, but this conversation had caught her ear.

"_If two people stand underneath the mistletoe together, they have to kiss."_

Now, Tenten wasn't boy-crazy like the other girls in her class; she was a serious student, a soon-to-be kick-ass kunoichi with a deadly affiliation for all things sharp. It was just…there was a certain someone whom she…admired…for his skills as a ninja. It wasn't a _crush_ or anything.

All she needed to do was figure out how to get Neji under the mistletoe with her…

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Iruka felt the hairs on the back of his neck standing up. Damn it. He turned around without warning, hoping to catch Kakashi staring at him, but the other man was innocently filling a plastic cup with punch for a young kunoichi. It was him that was watching Iruka, the chuunin was certain; he just couldn't catch him.

Why had Kakashi had to help set up for the party, of all the ninja in the village? Why had one of the other Academy teachers asked him to stay as an extra chaperone?

Why did Iruka care so much? He usually didn't let other people bother him this much. It was just…the thought of Kakashi's eyes on him make Iruka feel…uncomfortable. He didn't know why he was so hypersensitive to the Copy Nin's attention, and it was an unnerving experience.

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Tenten waited in the shadows until one of Neji's fangirls latched on to his arm and tried to drag him onto the dance floor with her. The Hyuuga genius threw off her grasp, predictably, and stomped off in the other direction. Tenten swooped in.

"Hey, Neji, I think I found a place you can hide from those girls, if you're interested." She told him, acting as if she didn't care either way. Inside, she was bursting with excitement, and fearful as well that someone else would discover the mistletoe and ruin her plan.

"Let's go." Neji said, gesturing for her to lead the way. Tenten and Neji weaved their way through the crowd and circled around the refreshment table. They chose a moment when no one was looking and dashed across the empty space at the back of the room and hid themselves behind a support column. The door with the mistletoe was only a few feet away.

"This is perfect. We'll stay here." Neji declared. Tenten gazed longingly at the mistletoe.

"We could get out of here." She suggested. Neji frowned. He didn't believe in breaking the rules-something about 'defying fate' and 'caged birds' that Tenten had never understood. "If we sneak out, we could get in an extra hour of training."

As soon as Tenten uttered the magic 'T' word, Neji was caught. He nodded to her, and she counted down from three so they could time their escape perfectly. They sprinted to the door, and Neji wrenched it open. Tenten snagged his sleeve and pulled him back inside.

"What are you doing? We'll get caught!" the genius hissed. Tenten pointed up.

"What?" He asked. Tenten looked up victoriously…

At the bare door frame. Where was the mistletoe? The young shinobi searched furiously. Finally, she lifted up her sandaled foot and found a crushed sprig smashed underneath. It must have fallen loose when Neji opened the door.

Tears welled up in her big brown eyes.

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Iruka had always possessed a special 'crying child' sixth sense. There was an upset kid somewhere in the Auditorium, and Iruka began to search for the little one.

It was, ironically enough, Kakashi's unwanted presence that led him to the child. As the sensei searched the room, he noticed that he wasn't feeling watched anymore, and looked around for the silver-haired nin. The man was standing slouched over near the back door, trying to calm an upset Tenten. It was almost amusing how out of his element the jounin looked. Iruka made his way across the room.

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Kakashi didn't know what the hell he was supposed to do with a teary eyed eight year old. The only experience he had was with a teary-eyed twenty-something rival, and the solution to that was to blatantly ignore.

The situation was easy enough to appraise. Ninja number one, the sniffling one with balls sticking out of either side of her head, had been leading ninja number two, aloof genius with stick stuck up his ass, to the mistletoe, which must have fallen again. With ninja one's hopes and dreams undeniably crushed and ninja two still hopelessly clueless, ninja one was preparing to turn on the waterworks.

The Copy Nin was sure the whole situation could be solved with a few passages of Icha Icha Paradise read aloud, to give ninja two some ideas about what ninja one wanted. He wouldn't pick one of the hardcore chapters, just a nice kiss or two. Well, that severely limited his choices…

Before he could select an appropriate passage, Iruka carried his nice ass over. Kakashi wisely decided to keep his book put away, and quickly concocted a second plan.

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Iruka pushed past the last throng of students to reach the child in need. He hoped fervently that Kakashi hadn't done anything stupid to those impressionable youths.

When he got there, the Copy Nin knelt down and picked up a crushed branch of mistletoe.

"Oh my, is that mistletoe?" He asked, mimicking surprise. His acting skills were none too great, but served to fool one distressed kunoichi and one emotionally stunted ninja. Both children nodded.

"Well, you two are standing over it together. You know what that means, right?" He asked. The children shook their heads.

"You don't?" He asked, aghast. They shook their heads again.

"When you stand under the mistletoe together, you're supposed to kiss." Tenten recited solemnly after a moment of silence.

"That's right! But when you stand over it together, two people are supposed to kiss _twice_." Kakashi whispered, as if he were revealing some grand secret.

"Are you sure?" Neji asked skeptically.

Kakashi's face crinkled in what must have been a frown. "I'm adult, kid. I know about these things." He deadpanned. Neji accepted that (it never even occurred to the poor kid to question authority), and blushed a little.

'Come on, Tenten." He ordered, grabbing her tiny hand. The girl beamed, all trace of ears gone from her eyes. He led her behind the column once again.

"Why are we over here?" Iruka heard Tenten ask.

"I'm not letting anybody see me kiss a _girl_." Neji replied, spitting out the last word.

Iruka chuckled to himself. He walked up beside Kakashi, who was twirling the sprig of mistletoe between his forefinger and thumb.

"They're so…gullible." The Copy Nin whispered to himself in disbelief.

'That was kind of sweet.' Iruka thought to himself. "Thanks for taking care of that." He told the other shinobi. "Once one of them starts crying, it's like a domino effect. You just averted a crisis." Iruka joked.

Kakashi flashed him one of his rare signature masked smiles (denoted by his single eye squeezing shut and his mask shifting slightly; hey, it wasn't much, but it made Iruka feel pretty special!). Iruka smiled back at him. Maybe he could forgive the man for staring at him when he wasn't looking…

Kakashi stepped forward and held out his hand toward Iruka. The chuunin thought the man must be handing him something, but was surprised when the Copy Nin opened his hand and flipped his palm downward. Something green drifted down to the floor. Before Iruka could look down and see what had been dropped, Kakashi was closing the distance between them.

"We can't break tradition, now, can we?" He asked. His gloved hands flew through the hand signs of a teleportation jutsu. Right before his body was moved by Kakashi's chakra, Iruka looked down. On the floor in the inch of space that separated them lay the trampled piece of mistletoe.

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Ah, I love Tenten. It's exciting, because she has the same birthday as me! Tenten kicks ass.

And it's kind of strange (for me, at least)- I can't slash Neji. He's just too pairable with Tenten and with Hinata. It's one of the few het pairings I ship.

And as for what happens after Kakashi transports Iruka, you'll just have to wait until the next exciting installment!


	7. 7 Over the Mistletoe, part 2

Theme 9: Red

I was just planning on skipping ahead to next year's Christmas, but since people seem to want to see the Mistletoe kiss, I'm waiting one day before I time-skip, and will address the kiss in more than just a brief flashback. And although there is a slight delay, I, unlike some people who will remain unnamed, will not leave the audience waiting over a year for a certain time skip to occur. Damn it, all I want for Christmas is Kakashi Gaiden, is that so much to ask? Well, I also wouldn't mind finding Cloud Strife or any of the FFVII guys under my tree, but I'd be satisfied with just a torrent thread with young Kakashi and his teammates. Woah, long ramble. Sorry.

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Once the smoke from Kakashi's jutsu cleared away, Iruka found himself, rather anti-climatically, on the other side of the door they had just been standing by. Trust a jounin to use high level jutsu instead of walking two feet and opening a door…

"What are we doing out here, Kakashi?" Iruka deadpanned. Didn't the jounin realize he had small children to supervise? Those kids could destroy a building in under three minutes if left unattended (the village used them as a cheap demolition force whenever a condemned building needed to come down).

"I thought you'd want a little privacy. I mean, if you _want_ all those impressionable children to see, Iruka-_sensei_, that's fine. We can step right back inside." Kakashi said, gesturing to the door. Iruka shook his head.

"Hurry up then. I need to get back in there." Iruka complained.

The Copy Nin slinked closer, and Iruka was sure he was smirking underneath that mask of his. He leaned forward. Iruka felt the warmth of his breath through the black cloth that hid the jounin's face, and there was a quick pressure of Kakashi's lips to his. Before he even had time to blink, it was gone.

"That's it?" Iruka asked, aghast.

"I still have one more." Kakashi replied, although he sounded hurt at Iruka's accusation.

"That's it?" the chuunin repeated. It didn't make sense…

"Well, what were you expecting?" Kakashi asked. Iruka was sure that that little bump under his mask was Kakashi's lip sticking out in a pout.

"I just _thought_ that if you were going to drag me all the way out here, you'd at least make it worth my time." Iruka said.

Kakashi blinked.

Iruka groaned. "Like this." He said, and reached forward to tug Kakashi's mask down. The chuunin pressed their lips together hard and let his mouth mold around Kakashi's. When the jounin caught up with him and gently probed Iruka's lips with his tongue, Iruka opened his mouth and welcomed it inside.

Then, as abruptly as it began, the kiss ended and Iruka untangled himself from Kakashi. "That was much better." He told the jounin in a sing-song voice as he skipped back into the auditorium.

Kakashi waited at the back door for a few minutes, heart still racing. It was good and well for Iruka to go back inside- his tan skin hid any signs of a blush. Kakashi, on the other hand, had to wait quite some time out in the cold before his pale skin returned to its normal shade. For several long minutes, the visible portions of Kakashi's face were bright red.


	8. 8 The Bastardization of Rice

Theme 19: Rice Pudding

Sorry to people who like rice pudding. I had a bad experience with it, and have never felt the same way about it since. In fact, I've had traumatic experiences with numerous Christmas related dishes: rice pudding, bread pudding, eggnog. It's not the food, it's me. Really.

Timeline: the year after the Red, Mistletoe, and Tinsel themes.

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It was one week until Christmas, and while Iruka was frantically hanging up decorations and baking cookies to hand out to the neighborhood children, his boyfriend Hatake Kakashi was ever so helpfully sitting in the kitchen, poking a chopstick into a bowl.

"It jiggles. Disgusting." He commented, and gave the congealed white substance in the bowl a second poke.

Iruka shot him a glare from his perch on chair, hanging up garland over the doorway. "It wouldn't hurt you to help out, you know." Sometimes Iruka wondered why he bothered with the Copy Nin. Kakashi made no move to help Iruka get ready for Christmas; he stared with rapt attention at the goo inside the bowl.

"Kakashi, leave the rice pudding alone and come help. You can have some later." Iruka yelled. The garland was starting to fall, and unless Iruka grew an extra set of hands to catch it, or Kakashi got his Copy Nin butt over to help, there was no way for Iruka to fix it.

Kakashi looked up with his eye held open wide. "You actually _eat_ this stuff?" He asked. He gave the pudding a third fascinated poke with the chopstick. The garland fell. The vein in Iruka's head started to throb.

"KA-KA-SHI!" Iruka growled. The jounin leapt up when he heard Iruka's angry-sensei voice, and pinned the garland in place quickly enough to avoid Iruka's full wrath. Once his task was complete, he wandered back to the pudding.

"How can people eat this?" He wondered aloud. Iruka tried to ignore him. He started working on taping Christmas cards onto the door.

"Ugg, it's cold!" Kakashi gasped. Iruka looked up. His lover had his finger in the bowl, testing the temperature, apparently.

"Kakashi, get your fingers out of there! Nobody wants to eat your germs!" Iruka scolded. He wondered how much blood there would be if he threw one of the decorative snow-globes at Kakashi's head. Surely not enough to stain the carpet permanently…

"No one will eat this anyway. It's cold and mushy and soggy. It's like a…a bastardization of rice!" The jounin insisted.

"It is not! It's a Christmas tradition. And people enjoy it. Just wait until the party tonight. Everyone will be eating it, if you'd just _get your fingers out of it_!"

Kakashi ignored Iruka and picked up the other half of the chopstick set. He snatched up a single grain of rice from the concoction, and shuddered when pudding dripped off of it.

"_'Help me, Iruka. Get me out of there. I'm drowning_.'" Kakashi cried in a high pitched voice. He waved the rice grain at Iruka. "'_Save me! Don't make me go back in there! Nooooo!'"_ Kakashi dropped the rice grain back into the bowl. He draped a napkin over the bowl solemnly.

Iruka put down his stack of Christmas cards and grabbed the biggest of his three snow-globes. Ninja were remarkable good at getting blood-stains out of carpets. He waited until Kakashi was carving a tombstone for the grain of rice into Iruka's frosted gingerbread house, and threw the snow-globe with all his might.

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The next one should explain a little more about how Iruka and Kakashi's relationship got from point A to point B. you'll also find out whether or not Kakashi gets hit. And yes, Iruka loves Kakashi; he's just gotten to that point in the holiday season where you get so frustrated you turn just a tad psycho. The next one will be more exciting, I promise.

Now, here's my story about rice pudding, and why it makes me sad.

So, I had just gotten all four of my wisdom teeth out, and was lying on the couch, drugged out and swollen up like a chip monk. I hadn't eaten anything for a day or so, mostly because I was drugged out the wazoo (so much so that on the drive home from the procedure, I didn't even notice when my mom got pulled over for speeding). My dad said he was going to go grocery shopping, and asked me if I wanted anything. Being, let me mention again, drugged out of my mind, I couldn't think of anything, but I asked my little sister to bring me home something I could eat that would be yummy. I wouldn't have trusted my dad, because he always brings home the nastiest things that no one ever eats, but I thought my sister could be trusted.

So, she gets home and tells me she got me pudding. I got really excited, because when I think of pudding, I immediately assume chocolate. I get all keyed up for chocolate pudding. But, lo and behold, they bring out rice pudding. Ug. It was made doubly worse by my high expectations. Really, though, the stuff isn't that good. A few days later, I tried to pass some off to some of my coworkers (who work at a kid's summer camp and eat nasty camp food every day, I might add), and none of them would even touch the stuff. Now, I associate rice pudding with pain, swelling, and severe disappointment.


	9. 9 Male Stockings

Theme 21: Stockings

Has anyone else ever noticed how not foot-shaped they are?

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Kakashi had a bad habit of messing up holidays. Thinking back on it, actually, he sometimes wondered why Iruka had stayed with him.

For New Years, Kakashi decided that it would impress Iruka (whom he was flirting with on a regular basis, but hadn't worked up the courage to ask out yet) if he put on a firework display, using his various copied jutsu. Luckily, both nin had come out with light singeing, and Shinobi insurance covered most of the damage.

Then for Valentine's Day, Kakashi had spent the whole day antagonizing over the decision to give Iruka chocolates. Sure, the rule was for girls to give chocolate to guys on Valentine s Day, and guys to give chocolates to girls on White Day, but what did one do if there were two guys exchanging gifts? Kakashi would convince himself Iruka would be offended if he was given a gift on Valentine's Day, only to talk himself out of it (what if Iruka expected a present from him, and Kakashi disappointed him by not delivering?). At the end of the day, three minutes until midnight, Kakashi had broken in to Iruka's apartment, woken up the slumbering ninja, and shoved the cheap box of chocolates into his hands (that was all that was left at the store by the time the Copy Nin had made a decision, and he'd even had to fight for that). Iruka had sleepily told him he didn't care what day the jounin gave him candy, and it'd be really great if he could either ask him out or let Iruka get back to sleep. By the time Kakashi got his thoughts organized enough to express, Iruka was slumped back in his bed, snoring softly. Kakashi asked him out the next day, on the less romantic February 15th (the day of Lupercalia and Canadian Flag Day).

On White Day, Kakashi decided to try his hand at baking, to make Iruka a home-made treat. Hey, he was a guy, so he figured he needed to give the traditional White Day gift (plus, he loved giving Iruka chocolates, especially since he usually got a nice, chocolaty kiss in return). Now, Kakashi has an undeniable talent with a knife, and is particularly adept at setting things on fire. Somehow, to the surprise of all, these talents didn't translate well in the art of cooking. On the bright side, Kakashi had had a nice sunroof and an open balcony where his kitchen had once been, which he had enjoyed for a few days before Shinobi Insurance came to investigate. His rates went up considerably after that, and Iruka received another box of store-bought chocolates.

Iruka's birthday, May 26th, was a particularly eventful occasion. The two of them were sleeping together by this time, and Kakashi decided that a pair of handcuffs and some other toys would be a perfect gift for his favorite chuunin sensei. He'd broken into Iruka's apartment (yes, he had a key, but breaking in was so much more exciting), stripped down to his dolphin boxers, and chained himself to Iruka's bed. What he hadn't been expecting was for Iruka's friends to throw him a surprise party. Let's just say that Iruka wasn't the first to arrive home, and he definitely wasn't the one who got the biggest surprise.

When Kakashi barely ducked in time to avoid the snow-globe Iruka had launched at him, the Copy Ninja knew he was well on his way to ruining Christmas too.

'I've got to make this Christmas work.' He told himself. He knew how important Christmas was to Iruka, and even if he didn't understand most of the quirky traditions, and even if some of the holiday food was downright nasty, he would do everything he could to make Iruka's Christmas jolly.

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Iruka fumbled with the grocery bags in his arms as he tried to open the door to his apartment. The fruitcake on the top of the load in his arms fell to the ground. Iruka rolled his eyes and left it there. No one ever ate the damned things anyway. It might as well just stay there and make use of itself as a doorstop.

There was still so much to do to get ready for the holiday. He needed to put candles up in his windows, hang wreaths on the doors, put up stockings, watch Christmas specials. He sat his grocery bags down on the kitchen counter and began to put everything into its proper place. He heard cursing in his living room.

"Kakashi, what are you doing in there?" Iruka called. He shoved the eggnog into the refrigerator, tossed the cookie mix into the pantry, and went to investigate. When he saw what his lover was doing, all he could do was raise an eyebrow and stare.

"Well, this is something I can honesty say I never thought I'd see." He remarked. Kakashi stood beside Iruka's bookshelf, a nylon stocking clenched in his teeth and another one hanging precariously off of the shelf. He was trying to secure it with scotch tape. On the floor beside him was a lingerie bag with more assorted hosiery.

"What are you doing?" the chuunin asked, using the low, gentle voice he usually reserved for stubborn eight year olds and crazy people.

"I'm hanging up stockings." Kakashi replied matter of factly. He looked rather proud of himself, at least, until the skimpy nylon piece attached to the bookshelf fell off.

"How do you get these to stay?" He asked. Iruka shook his head. The Copy Nin had no idea…geniuses were so _stupid_ sometimes.

"Kakashi…those aren't the type of stockings we usually hang up." Iruka told him. Kakashi looked up at him in confusion.

"Are they not the right color?" He asked, waving the bright red hosiery in Iruka's face. "I've got green ones too, for me. See, Christmas colors." He proclaimed happily, showing Iruka the rest of the silky pieces in the bag.

"I don't think the clerks in the lingerie store know about Christmas, though, Iruka." Kakashi revealed. "They all looked at me weird when I went in to buy these. They said they didn't stock male Christmas stockings. Will these be okay?" The jounin bounced up and down like an excited puppy, eager for approval.

"You do know I already have stocking for us, Kakashi." Iruka said gently.

"Where? I couldn't find them anywhere. That's why I had to go out and buy these." Iruka tilted his head in the classic confusion pose.

"They're right here, Kakashi. On top of the pile. What did you think these were?" Iruka picked up the red and white fuzzy Christmas stockings, one stitched with Iruka's name, and one freshly sewed for Kakashi.

"Those? Those can't be stockings." Kakashi told Iruka surely. Iruka merely crossed his arms.

"Oh?" He said.

"First of all, _those_ aren't foot-shaped. Do you know anyone with feet that stubby, legs that thick, or soles that slope at that angle? Look." Kakashi snatched the 'Kakashi' stocking and tried to put his foot inside. It was indeed an awkward fit.

"Also," the jounin continued, still in full-blown debate mode, "there is only one of them. It is a widely known fact that stockings come in pairs." He waved the two bright green nylons as examples.

"Kakashi, I swear to you, these are Christmas stockings. No one hangs up real stockings any more. You put up _one_ of _these_, and on Christmas day it gets filled up with candy.

Kakashi's unmasked face fell. Iruka hadn't seen his boyfriend that sad since the announcement came that the next Icha Icha book was going to be delayed half a year. The Copy Nin let the Christmas colored lingerie drop to the ground, and he refused to look higher than his feet.

"I messed things up again…" He mumbled. "Every time I try to help…"

Iruka had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. Pouty Kakashi looked so cute and forlorn, the chuunin couldn't help but rush forward and wrap his arms around him.

"You didn't mess up. These are perfect." Iruka assured him. Kakashi shook his head.

"They're not Christmas-y. Maybe you should just hang up the real stockings without me. I'll go see if I can return these to the store." Kakashi muttered, gathering up his lacy red and green stockings into the bag.

"Kakashi, your stockings are fine. Come on, help me hang them up?" Iruka asked.

"But…these aren't the right ones. They aren't traditional." Kakashi said, although he looked a little brighter.

"Well, the tradition is to hang them up in front of a fireplace, which I don't have, so we can only be so traditional anyways. We'll use these ones this year and my normal ones next year, ok?" Iruka offered. Kakashi nodded eagerly.

The two hung up their women's stockings (two apiece, which Iruka did admit made more sense, seeing as both of them did, in fact, possess two feet), and stood back to admire their work.

"It looks nice." Kakashi said. He sounded a little surprised.

"Yes, it does." Iruka agreed.

"Too bad we don't have a real fireplace." Kakashi speculated.

Iruka nodded. "Yes. I've always wanted to have sex in front of a roaring fire place. But I guess that's one Christmas wish that isn't going to come true."

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Kakashi let the roll of tape drop from his hands. His eyes dimmed over like they always did when he was scheming. Iruka excused himself to go fetch the candles. Kakashi stayed in place, staring at the nylon covered bookshelf. Where could he find a fireplace in Konoha?

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Tune in next time to see Kakashi's quest for a fire place.

And a warning: if you do an internet search for male stockings, all you get is porn. I thought that since stockings used to refer to just a type of long sock, there would be a man-version that Kakashi might be able to get his hands on. Nope, all you get is guys in panty-hose and thongs. I feel so…impure.

On a lighter note, the thought of Clueless Kakashi at the lingerie store makes me happy.


	10. 10 The Quest for a Fireplace

Theme 22: Home

After spending four days scouring the village, Kakashi came to a conclusion: Konoha had a distinct lack of fire places. Considering they lived in the Fire Country, Kakashi thought this was rather hypocritical.

'Curse our perennially temperate climate!' Inner Kakashi shouted as he hopped from roof to roof. According to logic, if there were any fireplaces around here, they would have to have some sort of chimney. Alas, while Kakashi stumbled over ventilation shafts, drainage pipes, and clothes lines, no chimneys were to be found.

Kakashi wasn't about to give up, though. Sex was on the line. Failure was not an option. For perhaps the fifth time that day, Kakashi considered using an illusionary jutsu to create the appearance of a fireplace. 'But no, that wouldn't work' he reminded himself. 'Those types of jutsu require concentration. It'd be impossible to hold once we started…'

Kakashi had, early on in his quest to find a fireplace, turned to the source of ultimate knowledge. Sadly, though, despite carrying the entire Icha Icha series and special holiday edition, had a depressing deficit of 'Fireplace Building for Dummies' books. The closest he could find was a child's craft book, detailing how to make a replica fireplace with popsicle sticks and string. Kakashi doubted Iruka would be impressed with that.

There was always the hope that a chimney, along with a corresponding hearth, would spontaneously generate on the rooftops.

"Kakashi, man, you're still out here?" A smug voice asked behind him. Kakashi turned around. Great, Genma and Raido had arrived.

"What are you looking for, anyways?" Raido asked. "Shouldn't you be with your scary little sensei, bakin' cookies or something?"

Really, he should have been. In these past few days, Kakashi had barely seen his lover. Now it was Christmas Eve and he was still out on his fruitless hunt.

"We can help, you know." Genma urged. The senbon in his mouth twitched as he talked. Kakashi bet he was dying to know why the Man of a Thousand Jutsu had been hanging out on the roof for the last four days.

"Like you helped with the stockings? No thanks." Kakashi growled. Genma gasped and pretended to act offended.

"Hey, you asked where you could get stockings, and I told you. You found some at that store, didn't you?" He asked.

"Iruka told me that they sell the _right_ kind of stockings in practically every other store in Konoha around this time. You sent me to that lingerie store just to get your kicks."

Genma nodded his concession. "Yeah…but you have to admit, that salesgirl's face was priceless when you asked her if those bright red stockings would suit Iruka-sensei!" Genma chuckled as he recalled the experience. Kakashi glared. He stepped past Genma and laid a hand on Raido's shoulder.

"Maybe you can help me." He told the scarred man.

"Hey!" Genma shouted, angry at having been ignored and passed over.

"Sure, Kakashi. How can I help?" Raido asked, ignoring his lover's pouting.

"I need to find a chimney." Kakashi revealed. Raido blinked. Kakashi said nothing.

"May I ask _why_?"

"So I can find a fireplace." Kakashi replied mysteriously.

"Is there a reason you need a fireplace?" Raido pressed.

"It's for the most important reason of all." Kakashi said. Raido looked confused.

"For sake?" He asked. Kakashi shook his head.

"Then why?"

"It's for sex, Raido." Genma answered for Kakashi. Other people generally misunderstood the perverts of the village, but they shared a certain comradery, and they shared a language of perversity that some of the more innocent villagers missed out on. Kakashi had forgotten that before Raido had started dating Genma, he had been relatively naïve, and was still new to the way of the perv.

"Ohhh." Raido gasped with dawning realization. "That sounds pretty serious. I don't know of any fireplaces, though, unless you count the blacksmith's forge." Kakashi had been grasping at straws for his entire search. The blacksmith's place sounded as good as any to check out.

"Thanks, Raido." He said, and hopped off toward the forge.

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"Excuse me, Raido-san, Genma-san. Have you seen Kakashi anywhere?" Iruka called when he saw Kakashi's two partners in crime walking down the street together. Kakashi had barely been home since they had hung their stockings together, and the chuunin was starting to wonder what was going on. Kakashi had been known to shirk his responsibilities to help Iruka decorate sometimes, but he'd never been gone for four days before, not without telling him.

"I think he's headed to the blacksmiths." Raido told him. The two jounin eyed Iruka and giggled. What was going on?

"What is Kakashi doing?" the sensei asked, more to himself than to the other two nin. He was surprised when Genma answered him.

"He told us he was looking for a fireplace." He said smugly. Iruka flushed.

"Oh…is that so." He mumbled, embarrassed. "I'd better be going, then…" the chuunin trailed off and turned quickly. The jounin giggled between themselves once more.

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Kakashi trudged away from the blacksmith's forge, utterly depressed. Yes, there was a roaring fire inside, but it was just his luck that the one fireplace he found in Konoha was located in the least romantic setting possible. There was no furniture, the floors and walls were made of rough stone, and the building itself was kept unbearably hot. He was still sweating from the immense heat…

Kakashi was starting to wonder where he could get his hands on popsicle sticks and string.

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Iruka ducked out of a store with a bag gripped tightly in his arms. Now he just needed to find his lover.

He still blushed a little when he thought about Kakashi's search for a fireplace for him. It was pure Kakashi: undeniably pervy, but almost touching and romantic. The Copy Nin was wandering around, out in the cold, trying to make Iruka's Christmas wish a reality. At least in this attempt to help, Kakashi hadn't destroyed anything…

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Kakashi decided the only thing that could make him feel better (that didn't involve him returning home in defeat) had an orange and pink cover, started with an Icha Icha and ended in Paradise. He buried his face in his book and let his body wander around on autopilot.

He ran into Iruka with a smack.

"Iruka, what are you doing here?" He asked. His chuunin wrapped his arms around Kakashi and nearly hugged the breath out of him.

"I came looking for you. It's Christmas Eve; did you think I was going to let you roam around free today?" Kakashi hugged Iruka back, and felt something crinkling between their bodies.

"What's that?" He asked. Kakashi pulled away from Iruka and spotted a shopping bag that had been crushed between them. "Oh, what's in the bag?" He asked. Iruka snatched it away and held it behind him to keep Kakashi from peering inside.

"You'll find out later. It's time for you to come home now." Iruka told him. Kakashi looked away.

"Iruka, I-" he started to protest, before Iruka placed a finger over his masked lips.

"I know what you've been trying to do, Kakashi. It's sweet, but you aren't going to be able to find a fireplace in Konoha." The chuunin whispered to him.

"But…I wanted to make your Christmas wish come true." Kakashi pouted.

Iruka smiled at him. "How about this: next year, you can use some of that jounin pay of yours and take us somewhere else for Christmas, somewhere cold where it actually snows and every room has a fireplace. Sound good?" Iruka offered. Kakashi smiled.

"Sounds perfect." He said. Iruka smiled again.

"Good. Now, I want you to come home."

Kakashi started to follow Iruka, before he remembered something. "Shit! I'll be there in a few minutes, Iruka. I've got to stop by my place. I promised Pakkun and the other dogs I'd get them steaks for Christmas dinner, and they'll never let me forget it if I don't deliver."

Iruka nodded, and then gave Kakashi one of the most seductive smirks the Copy Nin had seen outside of cheap porn flicks. "Fine. Hurry home, though. I've got a present waiting for you." The chuunin turned and walked off, and Kakashi could've sworn that the man was putting an extra sway in his step. Maybe that was just the Iruka-deprivation talking, though. He had been away for four days…

Kakashi rushed to the butcher's and bought seven steaks, and sprinted back to his apartment, wondering briefly when that place had ceased to be 'home' for him. Undeniably, home was Iruka's place now, although he couldn't pinpoint a time when the transition had occurred. Oh well, he didn't have time to dwell on it. Iruka and his mysterious present were waiting.

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Um, are you guys too pure for a little Yule-time porn? If you are, the next installment might not be for you…

The Way of the Perv is kinda like the Way of the Jedi, only…better.


	11. 11 All I Want for Christmas

AN: This isn't the full version, as I don't desire getting banned from here. You can either just read this and fill in the rest on your own, or I'll try to leave a link that will take you to livejournal, where you can read the full, smutty version that is trying to shield your innocent eyes from.

Also, I keep forgetting to answer your question, **my sweet shadow**: Kakashi Gaiden is a short deviation in the Naruto Manga, occuring between the Sound Invasion/Sasuke running away arc and the time-skip, which is currently being mutilated with truely awful fillers in the anime. The Kakashi Gaiden follows the story of Young Kakashi with his genin team, and shows how he got his Sharingan eye, why he is perpetually late, and where he steals most of his lessons for Naruto and Comp. from. I hear rumors that it might come in Feb (we have many places saying the plot returns in February, although I don't nkow if that means Kakashi Gaiden or just time-skip). We'll have to see. Hope I have't spoiled anything for anyone...

Theme 5: Ribbon and Theme 7: Presents

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Kakashi melded chakra in his feet to help him run faster to Iruka's apartment. He didn't know what Iruka had planned, but whatever it was, Iruka's plans always went significantly better than his did.

The Copy Nin pushed the door open silently and peeked his head inside. It was already dark outside, and the only light he could see in the apartment was from the flickering candles Iruka placed in each window. When he snuck inside and shut the door quietly, he nearly tripped over a string that was attached to the door. When he held it up to catch the candle light, the string revealed itself to be crimson ribbon; in the dark, it had been nearly invisible. Kakashi followed the ribbon's trail with his eyes.

Now that his eye was a little more accustomed to the dark, Kakashi could see the faint outline of the ribbon, stretching across the living room and disappearing under the door of Iruka's bedroom. This mystery present was looking better by the minute…

The jounin followed the path the ribbon made, still keeping his steps silent. He slid the door open and took a deep breath before he ventured a glance inside. Despite his precaution, the sight inside took his breath away.

The room was lit with more flickering candles, enough to bath everything inside in an ethereal light. Splayed out on the bed in the middle of it all was Iruka. Kakashi stepped forward, entranced.

The chuunin's hair hung down from its usual ponytail, framing his face and accenting the dark pools of his eyes. Oh, his hair was wet, as if he'd just gotten out of the shower (had he even had time for a shower? Kakashi had only arrived a few minutes behind him), and as he watched, Kakashi saw a single drop of water trickle off of a chocolate colored lock and inch down his tan neck.

There was no turtleneck shirt or chuunin vest to obscure the droplet. Iruka was dressed only in a red silk robe, which slid precariously off of one shoulder and was tied low across his waist, leaving a triangle of exposed skin that led all the way down to the trail of hair below his belly button.

Kakashi's treacherous gaze drifted down, following that pathway of smooth skin, then course hairs. The path ended abruptly where the crimson robe closed, held in place by second red ribbon. This time it was the wide type, a full inch across, tied in a bow that Kakashi knew would slide undone with the barest tug. His gaze went lower. 'Oh, gods!' The silken robe ended high on Iruka's smooth thighs. Had the man been standing up, the robe would have covered his ass, and little else below it. There was nothing else but bare skin all the way down.

Kakashi looked back up at his lover. Iruka's dark eyes glowed in the candle-light, making Kakashi feel as though he was the one being devoured in a gaze. The chuunin lay stretched out before him, modesty preserved by only a thin layer of silk and a red ribbon. He let Kakashi drink him in without a sound.

Distracted before by the flashed of bare chest, Kakashi hadn't noticed Iruka's arms. He followed them now, pulled up above his head, bound to the headboard by a third ribbon bow. Kakashi's jaw dropped a little, and Iruka smirked at him.

"Aren't you going to open your present?" He asked. His voice was low and seductive, and sent a shiver up Kakashi's spine.

"Wh-what is my present?" Kakashi gasped. His throat felt bone dry.

Iruka responded with another one of those honeyed smirks that Kakashi had never seen before that day. His eyelids lowered, and from beneath the veil of eye lashes, Iruka beckoned Kakashi closer with a gaze. Kakashi leaned close enough for Iruka to whisper in his ear. "Anything you want." Iruka breathed into his ear. The sensei punctuated his words with a lick to the shell of the ear. The Copy Nin shuddered.

Gloved hands sought out not the thick ribbon at the chuunin's waist, but the thin one that kept his hands tied out of the way. Kakashi wanted those hands all over him. Iruka happily indulged him, although he raised an eyebrow at Kakashi's choice.

Iruka tugged Kakashi's mask off and began to litter the floor with items of clothing that he stripped away. Kakashi waited until he was clad only in his boxers (ninja throwing kunai at Santa Clauses, a print only available in Konoha) before he sought out the second knot of ribbon.

Just as he had expected, the bow gave way with a mere touch, and the silk it had held in place flowed down Iruka's sides like liquid, pooling at his hips and revealing gloriously naked skin beneath.

"Merry Christmas, Kakashi." Iruka whispered. Kakashi was too enthralled at the sight to respond.

(http://community. livejournal. com/kakairu/1049623. html#cutid1) - (this is where the rest of the smut is hiding!!)

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Sadness. I only have one theme left to write. We're gonna make a full circle, back to where we started with Iruka spreading the Christmas spirit to the children.


	12. 12 Reindeer Hunt

Theme 12: Winter Break

My brain is fried from studying for my Astronomy exam. My view on Astronomy is: everything I knew about the stars and the planets became null and void when they kicked out Pluto. Pluto's not a planet now, huh? What is My Very Energetic Mother supposed to Serve Us now, huh? Fuck you, Astronomy!

Ok, I am calm. I am tranquil. After tomorrow, I never have to think about Astronomy again. Of course, once I'm done with this exam, I still have two more to study for…bleg.

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Iruka had learned his lesson by now. There was a certain way Christmas traditions had to be explained for those who had trouble comprehending complex ideas (aka his students and certain high ranking jounin). When explaining Santa Clause to this years crop of mini-ninja, Iruka started out by telling them the man brought presents. After that, in their minds, the jolly old elf could do no evil.

"So, he travels around in a sleigh." Konohamaru stated skeptically after Iruka finished telling his class the basics. Iruka nodded.

"And this sleigh flies." Iruka nodded again.

"But it's pulled by rain-deer?" He asked. Iruka nodded a third time.

"How do the rain-deer pull the sleigh if it flies?" the young Sarutobi asked, clearly proud that he had found a flaw in his teacher's logic.

"The reindeer fly as well." Konohamaru looked like he was about to protest, so Iruka took a preemptive strike. "Santa uses them for steering." Konohamaru nodded as if that made the whole illogical scenario make sense.

"We should go on a hunt for flying rain-deer on out fieldtrip tomorrow, Iruka-sensei!" He shouted (without raising his hand, the rebel). The rest of the class cheered. Iruka quieted them down, and told them they were welcome to look for flying reindeer as they walked through the forests of Konoha for their winter fieldtrip. Hey, if it got them excited about Christmas, what harm could it do?

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The next day, Kakashi watched his lover trudge in to their shared apartment after work and flop down on the couch without a word. Kakashi abandoned the weaponry he had been sharpening and maneuvered Iruka's feet so he was sitting with them on his lap. He began rubbing them in slow circles. Iruka moaned.

"Bad day?" The Copy Nin asked. Iruka grunted. _Yes_

"Reindeer hunt didn't go well?" Another grunt. _You have no idea._

"Want to tell me about it?" A grunt and a growl. _Shut up and keep massaging._

Kakashi decided to wait until Iruka had eaten dinner, taken a hot bath, and had a little more time to relax before he pressed the issue any further. He wasn't a genius shinobi for nothing.

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"So, what happened?"

_Iruka gathered his class around him in the forest clearing. "Alright, can anyone tell me how we can minimize the tracks we leave, so that enemies can't follow us?" He asked. Moegi raised her hand. Iruka called on her. _

_"Iruka-sensei, where are the rain-deer?" She asked. Iruka sighed. _

_"They must be scared of all the noise this class is making. Now, can someone answer my question?" _

_"Wouldn't we have seen them if they flew away?" Hanabi asked. The children began to murmur to each other. No one volunteered to answer Iruka's question. _

_"Class, I need you to pay attention to me, otherwise we can turn back right now and have a quiz." Iruka threatened. The children made a valiant effort to pay attention…_

…_until Konohamaru shouted, "Hey, I think I see something over there!" He ran off in the direction he'd pointed at. His classmates followed. _

_Iruka ran after his young charges, thinking gleeful thoughts about how many detentions he was going to assign Konohamaru, whether he was the honorable grandson or not. _

_"Iruka-sensei, look, it's a rain-deer!" They shouted at him when he reached the throng of academy students. _

"Really? What are the odds of finding a reindeer in Konoha?" Kakashi asked. Iruka smacked him upside the head for interrupting.

"I don't know. I don't know why the hell it was there." The chuunin growled. Kakashi was silent.

_And sure enough, there it was, a giant, horned reindeer, slumbering there on the forest floor. _

_"Oh, I wanna see it fly!" Moegi shouted. The other children shouted their agreement. _

_"Yeah, make it fly!" They begged Iruka. Iruka was more worried about making sure the thing didn't wake up and charge at them. _

_"Class, we really should be going now. You've found the reindeer, and you did a very good job, but we've still got a lesson to learn." _

_The students were ignoring him completely. Hanabi strutted right up to the sleeping beast and poked it with a stick. _

_"Hey, I order you to fly!" She commanded. The giant animal snorted in its sleep and didn't even stir. Iruka sweat-dropped. _

_"Hanabi, get back here right now, or you'll get a zero for the day." He ordered. The little girl hurried back to his side. She might be bossy and stubborn, but the child was freakishly competitive about her grades. _

_"I wanna see it fly!" The children shouted. Iruka wondered how much chakra it would take to make enough kage bunshin to carry each student back to the classroom. Too much. Damn. _

_It was then that Konohamaru remembered the training weapons each child had been issued. They were blunt and made of hard plastic, but from such a short distance, they could sting. _

_The young ringleader gave a signal, and all the Academy Students whipped out their fake-kunai and shuriken and hurled it at the snoring behemoth of a deer. The horned herbivore woke as the first kunai met its skin and charged out of the clearing. Iruka had to tackle the student in its path to keep the small child from being run over. _

_Iruka stood up and dusted himself off. "Everyone, we are heading back to the classroom right now. You know you aren't supposed to use those weapons unless you receive instruction to do so from me. I've very disappointed in all of you." He lectured in his angry sensei voice. But before he could tell them how they were going to be spending the time they would've had for a Christmas party writing an essay on 'Why I should listen to Iruka-sensei on fieldtrips', he looked up at them. Every one of his students was staring at the ground where the reindeer had been sleeping with wide, tear-filled eyes. _

_On the ground, there was a splash of blood. Iruka heard the first sniff, then a second, and suddenly, his class burst out into synchronized sobbing. _

_"We KILLED it!" Moegi wailed at the top of her lungs. Birds flew out of the trees above her, startled. _

_"Now how's Santa gonna get here?" Konohamaru asked the skies above as he waved his arms melodramatically. _

_"What if he don't get our presents?" Udon speculated. A new wave of tears erupted. _

_"Kids, you didn't kill it. That reindeer is fine, I promise." Iruka tried to console them. _

_"This is all your fault, Konohamaru!" Hanabi shouted. The Hyuuga heir rallied the sobbing students behind her and launched an attack on the crying cloaked boy. Iruka had to fling himself into the riot to save Konohamaru from being mauled by wailing seven year olds. _

_By the time he emerged from the fray with a trembling Konohamaru cradled in his arms, he was missing his ponytail holder and he was streaked with dirt. _

_"Children, I want a single file line NOW!" He shouted, using his fiercest sensei voice yet. _

_"Hey, is that the rain-deer over there?" A student shouted. The class charged off into the woods. _

_"Wait, kids! That's-" the children ran through before Iruka could warn them. "…Poison Ivy…"_

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"Sounds like your day was pretty rough." Kakashi agreed after Iruka finished his tale. "Are you going to be ok tomorrow?" He asked.

"There's only three more days until Winter Break." Iruka stated. He repeated it again like mantra. Kakashi worried when he saw the crazed light in his eyes.

"I've…I've made the reservations to the resort in Snow Country." Kakashi whispered to his lover, hoping to calm him down a little. "And I've got the right type of stockings packed to hang up this year. This Christmas is going to be better than ever."

"Three more days." Iruka repeated. "Three more days."

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"Only three more exams until winter break. Only three more."

I'm afraid this is the last in the series of twelve. I enjoyed writing these, and I hope you had fun reading. And just a note, this is kind of based on a real experience. I was working at a summer camp this summer, and the little kids were catching toads. One kid accidentally stepped on one and smashed it. I mean, guts were popping out, you could see its small intestine and everything. Luckily, it was still twitching. When the kid started bawling, I pointed to it and told him, "No, it's not dead. See? It's still moving. It's just _playing_ dead." As if the thing would pull out its internal organs to fool a five-year old. He believed me, though, and stopped crying and ran off to find more toads. I had to toss the thing in the woods once he was out of sight. God, kids are gullible. Ya gotta love 'em. Most of the time…


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